Allister Cromley's Fairweather Belle (Bedtime Stories For Grownups To Tell)
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Lands Unknown

12/30/2008

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Allister was determined to find new land. Contrary to all rational thought, Allister believed that there had to be some question marked continent still floating around in the ocean. The world was too big to have been completely discovered. He constructed a ship of the finest oak and had the exterior carved into his favorite explorer, Vasco Núñez de Balboa. He subsequently named the ship The Vasco Núñez de Balboa. The following is an actual excerpt from Allister's log from the first night of the voyage:

-And like that, we are afloat in the unknown. Although it is known to many it is unknown to me. I vow to find a land unknown to all. Mark my words and remember them always. There is something beyond.-

Allister's first few days were uneventful. A crew of seven set sail with him. Seven experienced sailors that Allister won during a poker game. It has been truthfully remarked that Allister bluffed his way to a crew. Allister knew the names of three of the sailors: Otto, Patches, and Gunther. He did not know their last names and the other four would not even give him their first names. They swore their loyalty, but gave him no more than that. Allister accepted this and promised to grant them freedom once they finished their mission. The seven agreed that if this indeed did occur, they would give him their full names. Allister nodded simply and received seven simple nods in return.

Two weeks into the journey, Allister and The Vasco Núñez de Balboa spotted what was thought to be land. Allister's log read:

-As Otto shouted "Land!" from the top of the mast, all six of the remaining crew sprinted to the side of the deck where Otto's gnarly finger pointed. Tears streamed down my face, but soon were suctioned back into my ducts whence it became apparent that the "continent" we were looking at was nothing more than a bulbous rock poking out from the waves. To quell the men (and it should also be noted to quell my own devastations), I announced that if it came to pass that we found no continent, we would come back and claim this bulbous rock as ours.-

As days poured into months, Allister's men grew weary. Any veteran captain will tell you of the distress that arises in men when goals remain unmet. Allister tried to uplift his men's spirits. He sat Otto, Patches, and Gunther down for a talk. He kept the other four out of it because he felt that it would be more productive if he could address all present by their names. Allister asked of the men's condition. Patches was the first to respond, stating that the men had once shared the same dream as Allister, but that months of nothing but salty water left the men doubting. Gunther added that food was running low and Otto added a nod. 

Allister left the meeting distraught and confused. This was his entry:

-I know not what to do this evening. I have consulted the stars and they give no answer. The men are in a grave condition and I wonder if I carry the power to uplift them again.-

The next day the stars answered Allister. It was, however, not the answer he was looking for. One of the four unnamed sailors was found that morning, a star lodged in his forehead. He succumbed to the injuries soon after. It would be the only case of death by falling star ever recorded. Allister's final entry read:

-Today, I received my answer. The heavens wish us to stop. Though I know this particular mission ends, I am also of the sound belief that something is out there. In all this distress, I have not lost that. It is what drives us all. Perhaps, it is not meant to ever be found. Tomorrow, we shall turn The Vasco Núñez de Balboa back toward the continent already discovered. On our way, we will stop at our bulbous rock, place our flag firmly in its center, and dub it Unnamed Sailor Number Four Rock. My only regret from this journey is that I will never know that man's name. -
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William Henry Harrison

12/28/2008

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Allister ran for the office of President of the United States just once. Though his credentials were lacking, he was visited by former president, William Henry Harrison, who convinced him that it was his destiny. President Harrison had been very respectful to Allister from the beginning. Not wanting to scare Allister, he first sent a telegram before appearing in a ghostly manner. The telegram read as follows:

My dear Allister it has come to my attention that the time is right for you to run for president (stop) I know this because I believe you to be me(stop) What I mean is that I think you are me(stop) That sounds redundant and now I have gone and wasted letters and money pointlessly and more will now be wasted as I try to deconfuse you(stop) I believe you are me reincarnate(stop) There(stop) That was a lot easier to explain than I thought(stop) As you may or may not have known I was robbed of my presidency by a most vicious and unreasonable case of pneumonia(stop) Fates have decided I am most deserving of a longer term and they have chosen you as a surrogate me(stop) Does this make sense to you(stop) Do stops work as question marks as well as periods in telegrams(stop) Perhaps we should meet(stop) Let us do lunch(stop)Does fifteen minutes from now work for you(stop) I should say that I am still most unclear about the issue of the stop functioning as a question mark(stop)
Yours
William Henry Harrison
Deceased Ninth President Of The United States Of America

Fifteen minutes did not give Allister much time to prepare or, what is more, to ease his mind after the jolt of receiving a telegram from a dead president. But, that was all he would get. Not a second more. For precisely fifteen minutes after Allister's eyes read 'Of America', William Henry Harrison appeared. Allister was sitting in a leather armchair at the time, the fire place in front of him. President Harrison had first appeared behind Allister but, unable to get Allister's attention, he quickly altered his plan and appeared directly in front of Allister, sitting on the mantle. He wore a black waistcoat and matching pants. A white, neatly pressed shirt and a perfectly tied ascot. Allister also noticed an expertly trimmed mustache whose ends were waxed into two fine points. This Allister did not recognize from portraits he had seen of the president. Later, he would find that the mustache was a heavenly gift to compensate him for such a short run as president and as a promise that he would get the chance again.

President Harrison spoke in a smoky whisper. Allister could not tell if this was his natural voice or whether the President was purposely altering his voice to sound more authoratively spooky. Without proper proof (recorded speeches and the like), Allister felt it impolite to accuse and so let the President talk as smoky as he pleased. He was most direct. "I have come to you because I believe I am you, as I said in the telegram. I know this is confusing and I know that it seems all the more confusing that I am here talking to you if you are me. But, it is what I have come to decide, I mean, what I have come to know. You are to avenge my lost presidential years. This will work. It must. As my mustache does point, so you and I will win. It is written in the stars and also on your calf." Allister lifted his right pant leg to reveal, in permanent black ink, the words "As my mustache does point, so you and I will win." On his left leg, in the same permanent black ink, was a portrait of William Henry Harrison, pointed mustache and all. Said Allister, "These were not here before." William Henry Harrison simply put one ghost finger to his lips and smokily whispered, "Shhh." And so began their campaign.

Funds were acquired through grass roots efforts such as door to door solicitations from Allister and also from a large treasure chest buried in a remote area off of the Potomac river, President Harrison's secret savings. He had acquired this mostly through poker games and friendly wagers with fellow dead presidents and saved it for the day his campaign would rise again. He also explained of the fraudulent run of his grandson, Benjamin Harrison, the 23rd president, who was supposed to avenge William Henry's short term and whom William Henry supported the whole while. Once Benjamin won it was quickly revealed, however, that he planned to use his own agenda. William Henry was deeply hurt and went into a ghostly seclusion. But all that was past and with the gold from the chest and the earning from door to door solicitations, they entered the race.

At first, all ran smoothly. The only early setback was that Allister had to convince President Harrison that 'Tippecanoe And Tyler Too' was not a good slogan because it was outdated and John Tyler was dead and no one wanted to elect a dead vice president. Other than that, all was peaches and cream. Allister cruised through speeches, having always possessed a superb ability in public speaking. President Harrison and Allister became good friends rather quickly, talking and giggling with the greatest of ease. 

As the campaign pressed on, though, Allister noticed President Harrison was pushing more and more of his personal agenda into Allister's speeches. This, initially, did not bother Allister. After all, the very reason Allister was running was because of President Harrison. But, as the speeches rolled on, President Harrison's agenda seemed more and more stuck within his time of life (roughly 1773-1841). If the issues had remained the same through the course of time, this would not have mattered. But, William Henry Harrison's issues had become stale and, in some cases, sounded completely moronic. For instance, Allister was told to promise voters that he would make it legal to pay with bundles of wheat or jugs of milk just as easily as with federal currency. Also, that wives should no longer be used for currency unless they are older than 16. Beyond currency issues, President Harrison vehemently demanded that two territories, Minnesota and Wisconsin, be give statehood even though this had been accomplished long ago.

Allister could no longer take it. To the public, he was coming off as incompetent and also completely insane. He told President Harrison this and hoped they could work out a compromise. They couldn't. President Harrison was a stubborn man. This was part of the reason he caught pneumonia and died in the first place and the entire reason why Allister quit his campaign. Allister's final argument was, "If I am you and you are me, why can't we work together?" To which President Harrison replied, "You are not me! I would never do that to me!" And with that, President Harrison disappeared, taking with him his pointed mustache and Allister's two tattoos. Allister never heard from President Harrison again, although he did catch a most vicious and uncompromising case of pneumonia two days later.
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