My dear Allister it has come to my attention that the time is right for you to run for president (stop) I know this because I believe you to be me(stop) What I mean is that I think you are me(stop) That sounds redundant and now I have gone and wasted letters and money pointlessly and more will now be wasted as I try to deconfuse you(stop) I believe you are me reincarnate(stop) There(stop) That was a lot easier to explain than I thought(stop) As you may or may not have known I was robbed of my presidency by a most vicious and unreasonable case of pneumonia(stop) Fates have decided I am most deserving of a longer term and they have chosen you as a surrogate me(stop) Does this make sense to you(stop) Do stops work as question marks as well as periods in telegrams(stop) Perhaps we should meet(stop) Let us do lunch(stop)Does fifteen minutes from now work for you(stop) I should say that I am still most unclear about the issue of the stop functioning as a question mark(stop)
William Henry Harrison
Deceased Ninth President Of The United States Of America
Fifteen minutes did not give Allister much time to prepare or, what is more, to ease his mind after the jolt of receiving a telegram from a dead president. But, that was all he would get. Not a second more. For precisely fifteen minutes after Allister's eyes read 'Of America', William Henry Harrison appeared. Allister was sitting in a leather armchair at the time, the fire place in front of him. President Harrison had first appeared behind Allister but, unable to get Allister's attention, he quickly altered his plan and appeared directly in front of Allister, sitting on the mantle. He wore a black waistcoat and matching pants. A white, neatly pressed shirt and a perfectly tied ascot. Allister also noticed an expertly trimmed mustache whose ends were waxed into two fine points. This Allister did not recognize from portraits he had seen of the president. Later, he would find that the mustache was a heavenly gift to compensate him for such a short run as president and as a promise that he would get the chance again.
President Harrison spoke in a smoky whisper. Allister could not tell if this was his natural voice or whether the President was purposely altering his voice to sound more authoratively spooky. Without proper proof (recorded speeches and the like), Allister felt it impolite to accuse and so let the President talk as smoky as he pleased. He was most direct. "I have come to you because I believe I am you, as I said in the telegram. I know this is confusing and I know that it seems all the more confusing that I am here talking to you if you are me. But, it is what I have come to decide, I mean, what I have come to know. You are to avenge my lost presidential years. This will work. It must. As my mustache does point, so you and I will win. It is written in the stars and also on your calf." Allister lifted his right pant leg to reveal, in permanent black ink, the words "As my mustache does point, so you and I will win." On his left leg, in the same permanent black ink, was a portrait of William Henry Harrison, pointed mustache and all. Said Allister, "These were not here before." William Henry Harrison simply put one ghost finger to his lips and smokily whispered, "Shhh." And so began their campaign.
Funds were acquired through grass roots efforts such as door to door solicitations from Allister and also from a large treasure chest buried in a remote area off of the Potomac river, President Harrison's secret savings. He had acquired this mostly through poker games and friendly wagers with fellow dead presidents and saved it for the day his campaign would rise again. He also explained of the fraudulent run of his grandson, Benjamin Harrison, the 23rd president, who was supposed to avenge William Henry's short term and whom William Henry supported the whole while. Once Benjamin won it was quickly revealed, however, that he planned to use his own agenda. William Henry was deeply hurt and went into a ghostly seclusion. But all that was past and with the gold from the chest and the earning from door to door solicitations, they entered the race.
At first, all ran smoothly. The only early setback was that Allister had to convince President Harrison that 'Tippecanoe And Tyler Too' was not a good slogan because it was outdated and John Tyler was dead and no one wanted to elect a dead vice president. Other than that, all was peaches and cream. Allister cruised through speeches, having always possessed a superb ability in public speaking. President Harrison and Allister became good friends rather quickly, talking and giggling with the greatest of ease.
As the campaign pressed on, though, Allister noticed President Harrison was pushing more and more of his personal agenda into Allister's speeches. This, initially, did not bother Allister. After all, the very reason Allister was running was because of President Harrison. But, as the speeches rolled on, President Harrison's agenda seemed more and more stuck within his time of life (roughly 1773-1841). If the issues had remained the same through the course of time, this would not have mattered. But, William Henry Harrison's issues had become stale and, in some cases, sounded completely moronic. For instance, Allister was told to promise voters that he would make it legal to pay with bundles of wheat or jugs of milk just as easily as with federal currency. Also, that wives should no longer be used for currency unless they are older than 16. Beyond currency issues, President Harrison vehemently demanded that two territories, Minnesota and Wisconsin, be give statehood even though this had been accomplished long ago.
Allister could no longer take it. To the public, he was coming off as incompetent and also completely insane. He told President Harrison this and hoped they could work out a compromise. They couldn't. President Harrison was a stubborn man. This was part of the reason he caught pneumonia and died in the first place and the entire reason why Allister quit his campaign. Allister's final argument was, "If I am you and you are me, why can't we work together?" To which President Harrison replied, "You are not me! I would never do that to me!" And with that, President Harrison disappeared, taking with him his pointed mustache and Allister's two tattoos. Allister never heard from President Harrison again, although he did catch a most vicious and uncompromising case of pneumonia two days later.