Allister Cromley went deep-sea diving only once in his life. It was for good reason. Legend had it that a family heirloom was lost deep in the Atlantic when a liner, the Bening, sunk en route from Sao Paulo, Brazil to Reykjavík, Iceland in the early 1800s. Most of the passengers, Allister's Great Great Uncle Milo included, were historians who specialized in Viking and Norse studies. When the ship first set sail on its four month journey it already was weighed down. To make matters worse, the mid-journey dance and celebration was particularly robust and rowdy. Items were breaking all across the ship's mighty deck, at first as a result of drunken revelry but eventually merchandise would break on its own with the feeling that the time was right. So, it came as little surprise when a rather rotund Viking scholar from Vermont stepped a rather rotund, overly-boisterous step whose kinetic force went through the floorboards and cracked the shell of the ship, springing a leak that the Atlantic immediately took advantage of.
Allister's Great Great Uncle Milo searched in vain for the Cromley heirloom that he had packed and left in the ship’s storage, a lucky charm passed down for generations, a large stein carved from an ancient oak (which once grew at the Cromley manor) and dipped in bronze. The stein weighed more than any single member of the Cromley family and, thusly sank almost immediately after word spread of the leak. Great Great Uncle Milo spent hours diving under and coming up empty-handed. He miraculously washed up on the shores of what is now Senegal after floating in a trunk for seven days. This would be his last piece of luck. In his lifetime, Great Great Uncle Milo was shot seventeen times for no reason, contracted malaria and carpal tunnel syndrome, was robbed too many times to count, and lost an ear in a dream only to wake and find it really gone.
Allister knew that luck would never completely be with the Cromleys until someone in the family held the stein and Allister was determined it would be him. He trained long and hard. First, sticking his face in cups of water and holding his breath for as long as possible. Once he mastered this, he moved to bowls, then buckets, then sinks, then bathtubs, creeks, streams, rivers, ponds, lakes, and finally he plunged into the Atlantic and held his breath for as long as possible. Fifteen minutes is what he clocked, bursting above the waves just in time, for his ears had that stinging sensation found only when they are about to explode. Now that his breath was under control, he concentrated on his vision, as he knew it would be compromised by the briny water. To prepare his eyes, Allister would throw a handful of salt in each eye every fifteen minutes for three months until his eyes stopped stinging and, by the second month, actually craved the salt.
Now, Allister was ready. He used his great great uncle's journals and the old maps and official records from the Bening's captain and located where he believed the Bening sank. Allister set sail as soon as he could. Three months and two days later his schooner, The Vasco Núñez de Balboa, floated above the wreckage of the Bening. Allister looked towards the sky and pointed Uncle Milo. He then nodded and leapt into the sea. He was surprised at how well his training had prepared him for he felt as if he was still swimming in his bathtub back home. The deeper Allister got, the darker the ocean got.
Allister felt no fear. He felt as if Great Great Uncle Milo was swimming along side him. And he was. In life, Great Great Uncle Milo could barely swim. But, it seemed that the afterlife had given him superb swimming and diving abilities. Allister smiled with pride and took his mind off the goal for just a moment. And that moment was all the octopus needed. Allister felt the grip of one of its suctiony arms (his sixth arm to be exact). It threw Allister around but left Great Great Uncle Milo's ghost alone (another perk for afterlife swimming-you will not be harmed by evil sea creatures). Great Great Uncle Milo dissolved into the salt of the Atlantic and was inhaled by the octopus. Once inside the creature, Great Great Uncle Milo tied the octopus' brain into knots and the octopus lost his motor skills and received a terrible migraine.
Before the octopus lost its grip, it gave a final heave and flung Allister forty to fifty meters farther down. Allister landed at the bottom of the ocean and felt around for something to grip and steady himself. He felt a handle and believed he was near the wreckage. But once he checked, he realized he was not only at the site of wreckage, but he was indeed holding the handle of the Cromley family stein. There it was in all its glory. The phrase, "God Bless All Cromleys Everywhere" beaming like a neon sign. Allister gripped it and it would not budge. Great Great Uncle Milo grabbed hold and together they hoisted the stein out of the Atlantic and into the Cromley's hands once again, breaking the curse that the family had endured for so long. Great Great Uncle Milo moved into Allister's single bedroom apartment and split the rent 50/50. There was very little space, but no bother for Great Great Uncle Milo. He slept in the stein, lucky at long last.
Allister's Great Great Uncle Milo searched in vain for the Cromley heirloom that he had packed and left in the ship’s storage, a lucky charm passed down for generations, a large stein carved from an ancient oak (which once grew at the Cromley manor) and dipped in bronze. The stein weighed more than any single member of the Cromley family and, thusly sank almost immediately after word spread of the leak. Great Great Uncle Milo spent hours diving under and coming up empty-handed. He miraculously washed up on the shores of what is now Senegal after floating in a trunk for seven days. This would be his last piece of luck. In his lifetime, Great Great Uncle Milo was shot seventeen times for no reason, contracted malaria and carpal tunnel syndrome, was robbed too many times to count, and lost an ear in a dream only to wake and find it really gone.
Allister knew that luck would never completely be with the Cromleys until someone in the family held the stein and Allister was determined it would be him. He trained long and hard. First, sticking his face in cups of water and holding his breath for as long as possible. Once he mastered this, he moved to bowls, then buckets, then sinks, then bathtubs, creeks, streams, rivers, ponds, lakes, and finally he plunged into the Atlantic and held his breath for as long as possible. Fifteen minutes is what he clocked, bursting above the waves just in time, for his ears had that stinging sensation found only when they are about to explode. Now that his breath was under control, he concentrated on his vision, as he knew it would be compromised by the briny water. To prepare his eyes, Allister would throw a handful of salt in each eye every fifteen minutes for three months until his eyes stopped stinging and, by the second month, actually craved the salt.
Now, Allister was ready. He used his great great uncle's journals and the old maps and official records from the Bening's captain and located where he believed the Bening sank. Allister set sail as soon as he could. Three months and two days later his schooner, The Vasco Núñez de Balboa, floated above the wreckage of the Bening. Allister looked towards the sky and pointed Uncle Milo. He then nodded and leapt into the sea. He was surprised at how well his training had prepared him for he felt as if he was still swimming in his bathtub back home. The deeper Allister got, the darker the ocean got.
Allister felt no fear. He felt as if Great Great Uncle Milo was swimming along side him. And he was. In life, Great Great Uncle Milo could barely swim. But, it seemed that the afterlife had given him superb swimming and diving abilities. Allister smiled with pride and took his mind off the goal for just a moment. And that moment was all the octopus needed. Allister felt the grip of one of its suctiony arms (his sixth arm to be exact). It threw Allister around but left Great Great Uncle Milo's ghost alone (another perk for afterlife swimming-you will not be harmed by evil sea creatures). Great Great Uncle Milo dissolved into the salt of the Atlantic and was inhaled by the octopus. Once inside the creature, Great Great Uncle Milo tied the octopus' brain into knots and the octopus lost his motor skills and received a terrible migraine.
Before the octopus lost its grip, it gave a final heave and flung Allister forty to fifty meters farther down. Allister landed at the bottom of the ocean and felt around for something to grip and steady himself. He felt a handle and believed he was near the wreckage. But once he checked, he realized he was not only at the site of wreckage, but he was indeed holding the handle of the Cromley family stein. There it was in all its glory. The phrase, "God Bless All Cromleys Everywhere" beaming like a neon sign. Allister gripped it and it would not budge. Great Great Uncle Milo grabbed hold and together they hoisted the stein out of the Atlantic and into the Cromley's hands once again, breaking the curse that the family had endured for so long. Great Great Uncle Milo moved into Allister's single bedroom apartment and split the rent 50/50. There was very little space, but no bother for Great Great Uncle Milo. He slept in the stein, lucky at long last.
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